"Is disgusting," she told me in her clipped English, shaking a page at me. Two women in their 50's smiled at the camera- they were picking up a marriage license. "They are sick, these people." She placed her hands together and looked up at the ceiling, reciting a quick prayer in Spanish. I wiped my eyes and stashed my things in the closet.
She did that every morning for several days, "disappearing" the newspapers so the children wouldn't see articles about the marriages taking place in Massachusetts. It pissed me off AND made extra work for me- now I had to come up with a new reading task to replace the 10 minutes they were supposed to spend "reading" the donated newspapers every morning. It was the same thing she had done two months earlier when the mayor of New Paltz had gone rogue and started marrying same sex couples in the town where I'd gone to school for a year.
"This man?" she told me one day, pointing at a picture in the newspaper. "He is a teacher," she said, making a hand gesture that looked akin to the sign of the cross. "These people, they should never be around children. They are sick," she nodded firmly and into the trash the newspaper went.
One day in late May a small child who went to the same church as my aide asked, "Ms. O'Donnell, can two girls ever get married?"
Before I could answer the aide jumped in, "You tell her no, Teacher," she said, shaking a finger at me and saying loudly enough for the kids to hear. "You tell her no." I hesitated.
"In some places," I told her honestly, "but not here. Not in New York." It was a small rebellion. My aide made a spitting noise and burst into Spanish, telling the little girl that her question made God angry.
We worked together daily for 3 years.
I had been at my next school for 4 years when I became pregnant after my second round of IUIs. I was thrilled, but deeply closeted- a handful of teacher-friends were aware that I had gotten married two summers before and none of the parents had any clue what] my life was like outside of work. It was one of the advantages of working in a place where I didn't speak the language- no one really asked questions and I could always misunderstand them if I needed to. Pronouns were easy to botch or avoid and, mostly, I just stayed quiet.
I was a full 7 months pregnant before one of the parents decided to dip her toe in the water. She was American born and raised, so I couldn't feign a language barrier, and I had been teaching her children for 4 consecutive years. She was also the president of the PTA-like organization at the school.
"Will you have help?" she asked, dragging an exacto knife across the top of a cardboard box. "When the baby comes?"
"Well, we both have family in the area, but we're also both teachers so it's actually great that we'll have the summer off."
She laughed with relief and grinned.
"Oh Ms. O'Donnell- You're married??"
I laughed too and nodded.
"Oh Ms. O'Donnell. I have to tell you. The mothers, we've all been nervous for you. We just thought that you had, you know, gotten yourself into trouble and..."
I laughed even harder.
"And you're Catholic, right?"
Even harder... this time with tears.
"No... no I'm not Catholic. Not at all. My family name is just Irish."
She laughed too and we unloaded some more books for the Scholastic Book Fair.
"So your husband teaches too? Where?"
Deep breath.
"No. Well, yes. I mean... my partner's female. She's a teacher in Dobbs Ferry."
Short pause. More books.
"Oh, well that's OK. I don't mind."
More books.
"I won't tell anybody if you want."
More books. "It's ok. It's not a secret."
Still not sure if anyone ever told the parents-- though I did come out to one of the 4th grade classes. It was a few weeks after they had done their reproduction unit, so they were very confused about the sperm part.
These are just two examples. In every school I've ever worked in, someone along the way has given me the same advice in one form or another--- just keep quiet and it will be fine. I've taken that advice with varying degrees of seriousness. As a college student I worked in a preschool and an after-school program in the county where we've lived for 19 years. If my spouse and I were out in a grocery store and we crossed paths with a parent, one of us would slowly disappear into a nearby display of soup cans to avoid detection. It has been a hard habit to break. At the preschool I worked with a gay guy who was even deeper under-cover than me- if it's scary to be a lesbian teacher, being a gay teacher is 10 times worse. In the Bronx I found another lesbian elementary school teacher and at each subsequent school I've found at least one other teacher who places herself somewhere on the queer continuum. In my current job I'm just about as far out of the closet as I can get, since my 8 year old is there with me with NO qualms talking about this family-- though I still find myself coming out to a parent every few weeks. At least it's gotten easier. I've just about stopped hiding behind Campbell Soup displays.
LGBTQ teachers are viewed with particular suspicion by those who see the "homosexual agenda" as a thing to be feared. Or even as a thing. We work daily in close proximity with young children. We teach them about the world and we have the power to shape their ideas. We stand accused of being in the perfect position to "recruit" them. Recruit. The word has a lot of staying power- showing up in articles and legislation as recently as last year. For many queer teachers, it is a terrifying thing to be out in their schools. We police ourselves more stridently that others possibly could. We are vigilant; alert. We err, perhaps, on the side of conservatism and find straight or straight appearing allies to take the lead on projects where our expertise could be seen as a recruiting tactic.
The first time I heard about gays recruiting children in the public schools I was in High School myself. Our English Teacher had put together a program called "Breaking Barriers" and invited a wide range of people to come visit our school and talk to students about issues of tolerance and diversity. Students could sign up for 3 different workshops over 2 days to learn about people who might be different from themselves. It was a radical idea for the '90s. She brought in Jewish and Islamic and Buddhist leaders. A black people who weren't in prison and women who worked full time in high power positions. There was a deaf person and a blind person and a person in a wheelchair. Downs syndrome. And two gay men, one of whom was HIV positive.
And that was where the shit hit the fan. That workshop was billed as "Alternative Lifestyles," and parents were FURIOUS. There was a meeting called for the Thursday night the week before the even and word spread like wildfire that the meeting was about letting two gay people into the school (there was a rumor that one of the English teachers was gay- but if you ever suggested such an insulting thing you ended up in detention for disrespect). Two student factions formed to attend the meeting- a group of students who were disgusted and felt endangered and a group of students who wanted to speak in favor of the workshop. The meeting was downright ugly; mothers cried. Fathers threatened the teacher's job. Other teachers sided with angry parents. The superintendent sat in icy silence. In the end, I think the gay guy without HIV was allowed to attend, but it was a workshop for Seniors only and you had to be 18 or have a signed permission slip. Only 4 people went.
I'm surprised, today, to hear how little middle and high school students who identify as queer or queer allies know about their own history-- but thinking about it more carefully, who is there to teach them if the teachers are still scared?
Some links...
For Gay Teachers, Coming Out Is Still Risky
The Plight of Being a Gay Teacher
Why Queer Teachers LIke Stacy Baily Absolutely SHOULD Have a "Gay Agenda" In The Classroom
Still legal to fire someone for being gay
Homosexual Recruitment
Homosexuality In Your Child's School
"But in at least one sense, pro-homosexual activists in our schools do indeed “recruit children.” What they seek to do is “recruit children”—100% of our children, “gay” or straight—as soldiers in their war against truth, common sense, and traditional moral values. That’s one recruitment drive that has no place on the campuses of America’s public schools."
