I've recently come to the conclusion that, at some point in my late teens or early 20s, I must have missed the intensive weekend retreat where women are taught skills like reinserting padding into bikini tops without breaking a sweat, purchasing make-up and choosing underwear that doesn't create ridiculous lines in whatever pants or dress they decide to wear over it. I imagine that this clandestine meeting took place in some ritzy hotel and spa where high school and college age young women signed up for seminars with titles like, "Making The Most of Your Manicure," "Up Dos, Down Dos and Don't Dos", "Thinking About Thongs", "Putting Padding in its Place", "An Eye for Eyeshadow", "Mixing It Up: The Art of Finding Your Perfect Foundation" "Blow Drying Without Frying Your Brains," and "Purses, Pocketbooks, Packs and Pockets: A Guide To Carrying Your Life On Your Hip." I have no idea why I didn't get the memo the first time around, but I really wish they would offer a make-up class (no pun intended).
I have no idea why so many of these concepts seem so incredibly foreign to me; I honestly believe that I would have an equally difficult time conjugating French verbs (I took Spanish) and choosing mascara (forget applying the stuff- I start flinching the second that fuzzy caterpillar like thing gets anywhere near my face). I'm only slightly more competent at bra shopping than a 12 year old boy would be and just about as embarrassed and there is something about the mere thought of having to get my hair washed at a hair salon that convinces me that growing it all the way down to my ankles is TOTALLY the way to go. The list goes on an on and I don't understand WHY I feel so incredibly incompetent at these seemingly innocuous female rituals. I've managed to cultivate an attitude of disinterest or outright distain as a coping mechanism, a way of masking my utter confusion and discomfort, but it's totally a front. How do women do it? Hell, how do cross-dressers, trannys and MtF transexuals (whichever term is most respectful to you in your particular situation- no offense intended!) do it? Did they get the memo?
I think I need a tutor. Or maybe an evaluator. Someone who can design something akin to an IEP, complete with benchmarks and goals, and help me address in the obvious holes in my knowledge. Or a mentor or an AA style sponsor. Someone who is paid to take my panicked phone calls at 8:45 AM on a Sunday morning when there is something wrong with my bathing suit top and I can't for the life of me figure out which direction that little foam triangle is supposed to go and how the hell I'm supposed to get it back in through the minuscule slit in the side of the fabric. Someone other than Julie who is responsible for talking me down off of the ledge in times of feminine crisis.
From time to time I've definitely benefited from pity of friends and the kindness of strangers. 4 years ago, before my sister's wedding, I went into The Body Shop in Danbury, CT and tried to explain to the nice lady that I needed to buy make-up. No, not just a new eye liner or something. Everything I would need to be in a wedding party. Because I didn't own any. And had never applied more than a hesitant smattering of lipstick and mascara. Ever. No. Seriously. Stop laughing and just TELLMEWHATTHEFUCKTOBUYANDHOWTOPUTITON!!! That was the last time I bought make up and the jars say that it expired a couple of years ago, so now I'm afraid to use it even if I want to. Does it really expire? And does it expire the way milk expires or the way a bottle of ketchup or mustard expires? Cause those are two very different things. But it is really, really embarrassing to have to ask for help on things that seem so basic. I mean, I imagine it must kinda be like the average person standing in the "paper goods" section of the supermarket and turning to someone to say, "Excuse me, but which of these do you use to wipe your ass? The napkins, the Kleenex, the toilet tissue, the paper towels or the handi-wipes? I know I'm in the right vicinity here, but beyond that, I'm totally lost."
Do you know what kind of look you would get? I do. And it's awful. 'Cause that is something you are just supposed to KNOW.
I don't think there was a class. I think it was years of reading magazines like Seventeen, Glamour, and Cosmo. Considering they were half beauty tips and half hetero romance/dating/sex tips, I can see why you might have missed them.
ReplyDeleteThat said, for my wedding I went to the MAC counter, had the lady teach me how to put it on, purchased enough stuff so I didn't have to pay $40 for the consult, and then went to the drugstore to buy cheaper equivalents. I then practiced several times.
I learned how to do eyeliner similarly at Barneys in NY when a friend basically forced me to be a guinea pig for a makeup salesgirl.
Pretty much you can search online, find schematics, and then follow them. It takes practice.
For example: http://www.geekinheels.com/2013/03/05/the-most-comprehensive-makeup-contouring-chart.html
I've considered the teen magazine angle-- but I had subscriptions to Teen and Seventeen- and spent hours pouring over them with friends in middle and early high school (though I never moved on to their adults counterparts like Glamour and Cosmo). I spent innumerable teenage hours at the mall (it probably adds up to days, maybe even weeks) with my extremely well versed best friend, trailing her like an obedient puppy while she searched for components for her expansive clothing and make-up collection, but never managed to pick anything up. And now I kinda feel like I missed the boat. You're right about searching online, though. "Dr" Google has often been indispensable in figuring out what to do or how to do things on those occasions when my own knowledge and my willingness to ask for help utterly fail me!
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