Can I get a do-over?

I've recently come to the conclusion that, at some point in my late teens or early 20s, I must have missed the intensive weekend retreat where women are taught skills like reinserting padding into bikini tops without breaking a sweat, purchasing make-up and choosing underwear that doesn't create ridiculous lines in whatever pants or dress they decide to wear over it. I imagine that this clandestine meeting took place in some ritzy hotel and spa where high school and college age young women signed up for seminars with titles like, "Making The Most of Your Manicure," "Up Dos, Down Dos and Don't Dos", "Thinking About Thongs", "Putting Padding in its Place", "An Eye for Eyeshadow", "Mixing It Up: The Art of Finding Your Perfect Foundation" "Blow Drying Without Frying Your Brains," and "Purses, Pocketbooks, Packs and Pockets: A Guide To Carrying Your Life On Your Hip." I have no idea why I didn't get the memo the first time around, but I really wish they would offer a make-up class (no pun intended).

I have no idea why so many of these concepts seem so incredibly foreign to me; I honestly believe that I would have an equally difficult time conjugating French verbs (I took Spanish) and choosing mascara (forget applying the stuff- I start flinching the second that fuzzy caterpillar like thing gets anywhere near my face). I'm only slightly more competent at bra shopping than a 12 year old boy would be and just about as embarrassed and there is something about the mere thought of having to get my hair washed at a hair salon that convinces me that growing it all the way down to my ankles is TOTALLY the way to go. The list goes on an on and I don't understand WHY I feel so incredibly incompetent at these seemingly innocuous female rituals. I've managed to cultivate an attitude of disinterest or outright distain as a coping mechanism, a way of masking my utter confusion and discomfort, but it's totally a front. How do women do it? Hell, how do cross-dressers, trannys and MtF transexuals (whichever term is most respectful to you in your particular situation- no offense intended!) do it? Did they get the memo?

I think I need a tutor. Or maybe an evaluator. Someone who can design something akin to an IEP, complete with benchmarks and goals, and help me address in the obvious holes in my knowledge. Or a mentor or an AA style sponsor. Someone who is paid to take my panicked phone calls at 8:45 AM on a Sunday morning when there is something wrong with my bathing suit top and I can't for the life of me figure out which direction that little foam triangle is supposed to go and how the hell I'm supposed to get it back in through the minuscule slit in the side of the fabric. Someone other than Julie who is responsible for talking me down off of the ledge in times of feminine crisis.

 From time to time I've definitely benefited from pity of friends and the kindness of strangers. 4 years ago, before my sister's wedding, I went into The Body Shop in Danbury, CT and tried to explain to the nice lady that I needed to buy make-up. No, not just a new eye liner or something. Everything I would need to be in a wedding party. Because I didn't own any. And had never applied more than a hesitant smattering of lipstick and mascara. Ever. No. Seriously. Stop laughing and just TELLMEWHATTHEFUCKTOBUYANDHOWTOPUTITON!!! That was the last time I bought make up and the jars say that it expired a couple of years ago, so now I'm afraid to use it even if I want to. Does it really expire? And does it expire the way milk expires or the way a bottle of ketchup or mustard expires? Cause those are two very different things. But it is really, really embarrassing to have to ask for help on things that seem so basic. I mean, I imagine it must kinda be like the average person standing in the "paper goods" section of the supermarket and turning to someone to say, "Excuse me, but which of these do you use to wipe your ass? The napkins, the Kleenex, the toilet tissue, the paper towels or the handi-wipes? I know I'm in the right vicinity here, but beyond that, I'm totally lost."

Do you know what kind of look you would get? I do. And it's awful. 'Cause that is something you are just supposed to KNOW.

Damn... pretty sure I was about to say something...

About 5 years ago... no, that was supposed to say hours ago... I intended to sit down and write a post about the groceries I bought for a family that was panhandling outside the local Stop & Shop and the Catch-22 to the second power that I felt like I was in-- ignore them and I feel heartless (they had a toddler with them), give them cash and wonder if it was spent on alcohol (there's a liquor store right there)-- buy them a bunch of healthy stuff (salad greens, fruit, milk, frozen veggies, lean meat, beans etc) and fear that I came across as "holier than thou"or that they don't have the means to cook or buy them a bunch of processed stuff and feel like I'm just contributing to a million other societal problems. How the hell is it that a good deed gets so complicated? (In the end I got roast turkey and chicken cold cuts, a loaf of white bread, a can of tuna, goldfish crackers, Lunchables snack packs, Capt'n Crunch cereal, peanut butter and something else I can't remember-- just enough food to keep 3 people somewhat afloat for 2 days)

But then, running from the house to the car, M got stung by a bee (or, I think, a wasp). Not once. Not twice. But 3 times. Possibly 4. She was a trooper about it. Didn't cry (though she yelled a lot) and even stopped to pet the neighbor's dog. Curled up on the couch with ice on her inner thigh. Bedtime went quickly out the window. Our plans for dinner nearly went with it, though I managed to throw together Thai Basil and Chicken with Rice while Julie ran household interference. The time I was going to use to watch MasterChef got replaced with The Wizard of Oz and, as usual, no matter how tired she was, M would not let go and give in to sleep. Over 2 hours later I finally scooped her into my lap and settled onto the couch under her and rocked her until she couldn't hold on any longer. Got her into bed, had a little dessert, sat down to write my intended post (and maybe this week's Pasta Night post, since it seems pathetic that I can't even keep something going two weeks in a row), and realized that my ability to string together coherent sentences is essentially non existent. Might as well obliterate it with a glass of wine and some sleep...

Snuggling with Mama after being assaulted by a bee

Pasta Night

By the time I was 15, I had pretty much taken over dinner preparation for my family on all weekdays but those when I had away games. A number of things contributed to this development-- some of it was a sincere interest in cooking, some of it was a sincere interest in my newly established eating disorder and a lot of it was the simple fact that if I didn't cook dinner, dinner might not get cooked. To make life easier, I imposed a weekly menu pattern that would get food on the table quickly and make sure I didn't run out of key ingredients. Monday was pasta night-- a box of Barilla covered in Classico with fried sausages or meatballs on the side. Tuesday was some kind of chicken or pork chops... baked, grilled, roasted, in pieces or whole. Wednesday was easy... pizza night. The local place gave away a free mini pie with every order (I still have the number memorized. 914-735-1881. Wonder if they're still a pizza place...). Thursday was one of those "just add meat" stir-fry mixes that were new and popular in the 90's and Friday was generally steak (or lamb chops or more chicken) thrown on the grill with veggies and mashed potatoes. Easy. Predictable. Done. 

This past winter we had to fall back on my old patterning strategy. Despite being home all day, I was drowning in the process of cooking dinner 5 nights a week, mostly because I was over-doing and over-thinking it. In our newly established pattern, Monday is still pasta night, and Pizza Night has been moved to Friday. Wednesday is now stir-fry (though we tend to use fresh veggies instead of bagged. Usually.) Tuesday is "Some sort of soup or crockpot or grilled thing" night and Thursday is salad. These are, in part, very strategic. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday we do Family Dinner. We need Pierre to learn to like pasta because it is served in nearly every restaurant of every ethnicity we visit and it would be great if she would learn to eat it. Similarly, stir fry is full of veggies, and we'd like her to learn to eat some of them, even if she is just picking out the carrots. And pizza is a breeze. She'll eat it. Take out or homemade. Easy. 

We've had the most success, so far, introducing Pasta Night. Last Monday she took about 4 bites of the pasta in our Paella. This week we more than doubled that with Chicken Cacciatore Bake. 

(Adapted from Rachel Ray's Chicken Cacciatore Subs- which are also really, REALLY good)

Ingredients
4 pieces boneless skinless chicken breast, 6 to 8 ounces each

Half a box of pasta, cooked (we used Rigatoni)Extra-virgin olive oil, for drizzling, plus 2 tablespoons
Grill seasoning blend, or salt and pepper
2 cloves garlic, cracked away from skins
1 teaspoon red crushed pepper flakes (we omitted this and and added it individually later)
2 large portobello mushroom caps, sliced (we omitted this)
1 green bell pepper, seeded and sliced
1 large onion, white or brown skinned, sliced
1 teaspoon dried oregano, 1/3 palm full
1/2 cup dry red wine or stock -- chicken or beef flavor
1 (14-ounce) can, crushed tomatoes
2 to 3 tablespoons chopped flat-leaf parsley 
1/3 pound deli sliced provolone

Directions
Heat a grill pan or large skillet. Drizzle chicken with oil, to cover,and season with grill seasoning blend or salt and pepper. Grill or pan-fry 6 minutes on each side. Chop into cubes. 

Heat a large skillet over medium high heat. Add 2 tablespoons oil, garlic, crushed red pepper flakes, mushrooms, peppers, onions and oregano. Saute veggies and season with salt and pepper. Cook 5 minutes, then deglaze the pan with wine or stock. Pick up tasty bits off the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon or heat safe spatula. Add tomatoes and parsley to the sauce. Add the chicken and cook about 5 minutes more. 
Turn off heat and mix in cooked pasta. 

Put half the pasta/chicken/veggie/sauce mix in the bottom of a casserole dish. Top with half the provolone. Then add the other half of the pasta/chicken/veggie/sauce mix and top with the rest of the provolone. Bake in a 400 degree oven for a few minutes... we did about 15... until everything is melted together and just a bit brown on top. 

You could also skip the whole baking thing and just serve the sauce over pasta and put some provolone on top. It's cut so thin, it will usually just melt. Or toss it in the microwave. 

Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/chicken-cacciatore-subs-recipe/index.html?oc=linkback

The Slinky Man

Night time in my own home generally feels like the least safe time and place on the planet for me. I can't quite pin down why... put me out in the middle of the woods in a flimsy tent with the bears, wolves, coyotes, foxes, spiders, raccoons and other creepy crawlies and I'm fine. Hotels, other people's houses, the back seat of a sedan in the WalMart parking lot-- these are all fine. But my own bed? In my own house? It's like playing Russian roulette.

Primarily because of the Slinky Man.



Who is the Slinky Man? The Slinky Man is the scary, homicidal maniac that might be hiding in my closet or bathtub or crawlspace or under the couch on any given night. He's patient and methodical. He gets his jollys by waiting for his victims to come to him. He sneaks into your house at some point during the day, finds a quiet corner and waits for you to go to bed. Just as you're starting to fall asleep he takes out his Slinky and starts playing with it, letting the metal rings slink back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. You hear it and sit up slightly, wondering what that sound is. It's familiar... you can't quite put your finger on it. A running toilet? Something wrong with the air conditioner? You get out of bed to go investigate and, eventually, you find him. He's dressed in a long gray trench coat and an old fashioned grey rain hat. He's unshaved with a scraggly beard and surprisingly tall. His eyes kinda glow. He allows just enough time for the fear to register fully, for you to try and scream or run before he pulls out a knife, slices you up, and leaves. He might kill you, or he might not. In the morning, if you survived, when they find you, it's just gonna sound like a hallucination. No one's going to believe that the Slinky Man did it.

The Slinky Man, and others like him, keep me up. I can imagine all of the other characters who might have snuck into and hid in my house during the day and are just waiting for me to fall asleep. Several times a week I reevaluate my options for grabbing the sleeping toddler and barricading us all in the bedroom if I hear them coming. Could we move the dresser in front of the door fast enough? Am I positive that the door swings inwards? Would hiding in the bathroom be safer than the hallway, or could a crazy person just burst through the adjoining bathroom wall? How much would it cost to plate one room in Titanium?

I'm pretty sure this has to be some form of PTSD... or the beginnings of a new RL Stein series. Not sure if I need a therapist or an an agent.

Reality TV Stars?

Below-- our application to appear on Animal Planet's "My Cat From Hell".

Meet Cessy, the Feline Formerly Known As Princess. 6 months ago, in January, Cessy joined our family. She was an out-of-luck shelter cat on death row. The shelter she was in was being forced to stop sheltering cats and, since they believed her to be 12 years old and she had already been in the shelter for 3 years, Princess was slated to be put down. Despite already having a toddler (then 2  1/2... now just a few weeks shy of 3), as well as 3 other cats (Lois, Klakky and Mishi), her story touched us and we drove an hour, in the snow, to pick her up and bring her home. We were promised a sweet, docile, elderly couch-lump and we almost felt more like we were signing up to provide retirement home care.

Well.... she is sweet. She's not 12 (closer to 8, according to our vet). She's not docile--she LOVES her humans but immediately went all "Single White Female" on Lois- more on that later. And she's only a couch lump to the extent that any cat is a couch lump. Cessy is an avid and vicious toy-mousie huntress and she starts most mornings with a rapid fire, up and down the stairs, across the living room, up the wall, through the house burst of calisthenics. She would like to be a lap cat, but tensions around here generally run too high now for her to relax that much.

Before we took Cessy in we had minimal cat problems. They weren't great sleepers. They knocked stuff down in the middle of the night. Mishi has a particular vendetta against water glasses. Lois will make sure we have NOTHING (and I mean NOTHING) on our dresser at 2 AM. Klakky appears to have sudden flashbacks to her days in 'Nam at all odd hours. But otherwise, fine. They're cats.

Lois was the first cat we got. She's currently about 9 and we got her from a shelter when she was an older kitten/young cat. She had a cold the day we picked her up, and the stitching on her spay job had been botched. She was the last of her littler and we took her home to our 700 square foot apartment. She was never a good sleeper and locking her out of the bedroom did little-- she'd cry and scratch at the door. Eventually she settled in, but she never seemed "quite right". If she was a child, we suspect  she would be labeled with high functioning autism and given a 1:1 para (Julie and I are both teachers). Lois often gets lost in her own house, forgets what she was doing and gives you the most awesome blank stare. She also has some of the best survival instincts of our cats-- she knows instinctually when the heaters go on and where to curl up by them, if someone is cooking a steak, tuna or chicken and where we have hidden the latest shipment of dry cat food. She is usually very friendly with other cats. She will sit at our back door and make eyes at the local strays (who come up to the door and make eyes at her) where the other cats puff their tails and hiss. Lois is a rather long haired Tuxedo cat. She's rather overweight.

Then we moved to a 2 bedroom condo and took in Klakky. Klakky was Julie's cousin's cat- also a shelter cat. Klakky had lived with Julie's cousin, Eddie, and had a litter-mate sibling named Tangerine. Sadly, Eddie discovered that he was very allergic to cats and, after trying for awhile to live with it, returned Klakky and Tangerine to the shelter. Tangerine never transitioned back into the shelter and went on hunger strike-- he died not long after being sent back. He also had cancer. Klakky then became depressed at the shelter and also refused food. The shelter contacted Eddie and he took Klakky back and we agreed to take her from him as son as we could. Klakky is a "senior" cat in the realm of 11. She's pretty spry and is generally "top cat," but never really uses her authority. Klakky is a nearly-toothless tortie. She's also kind of overweight.

Mishi is the baby. Well, the feline baby. 3 days into my pregnancy, we were at a Farmer's Market and there were teenagers with a laundry basket full of kittens. I fell in love with the the little calico and took her home. She went into heat just a few days after we got her home and was then properly fixed. Mishi is a little ball buster who still nurses off her forearm (her mother was hit by a car and one of her siblings was eaten by a dog), tries to spoon with you at night, bats at your face all night long and sometimes annoys her older sisters. She gets violently angry with the other two cats whenever they have been taken to the vet and is big into hissing. She is also very sweet, but still all kitten. Mishi will be 4 this summer and is still a big kitten in a lot of ways. She's a calico/tortie and very small for a full grown cat. She's pretty average weight.

Though she's not a cat, I'll give some background on Mickey, our toddler, too. She thinks she's a cat. Cat was her first word. When she gets really angry, she hisses. Mickey is amazing with the cats- for a toddler. She loves them, and they love her. Mishi sleeps in her room often, and we call Klakky the "Nanny Cat". Klakky will go into Mickey's room and calm her down when she won't go to sleep at night. Klakky will let Mickey pet her head and ears until she falls asleep, and then will curl up next to Mickey on her pillow. In fact, Klakky loves Mickey so much that she sometimes wakes her up in the middle of the night with excessive love (we had to lock her out of the room for awhile). Mickey loves her kitties a lot and talks about them all the time. She knows how to be gentle (before we got Cessy, the house rule was pretty much that if Mickey got scratched, SHE got a time out, because she must have been too rough- our cats are extremely gentle with her and patient) and very rarely gets over excited or aggressive with them. The cats have many high-up places to hide, and she knows she can't climb up after them. Getting their bowls for feeding them, brushing them, giving them treats... she helps care for them. The only cat who scratches her is Cessy. Much of the time Cessy tolerates some gentle love from Mickey before just waking away. But, if we're within an hour of feeding time, and Mickey happens to walk by her, Cessy will reach out and scratch her. Just, it seems, to drive home the point that she's hungry. Right now Mickey has healing scratches on her arms and legs for merely walking by. She has learned that Cessy is a "no petting kitty" and shies away from her now. She calls her "The Scratching Kitty" and has even learned to yell at her, "No Aggressing on Lois!"

So on to our current problems.

We brought Cessy home and introduced her slowly to the house and the other cats. She spent her first few days completely confined to an upstairs bathroom. Not terribly spacious, but much better than the small cage she lived in. We swapped scents with the other cats (blankets, toys, towels) and our veteran cats were pretty used to this situation. We started giving the girls treats on opposite sides of the doors. We let Cessy explore the upstairs a little bit when we knew that everyone else was downstairs. A few small interactions... some line of sight... we pretty much did it the introduction slowly over the course of a month. For quite awhile we would let Cessy have the run of the house all day until we left, and then lock her up, (with food, water and litter) in the master bedroom/bathroom suite. Klakky and Lois, initially, seemed to accept her, and Mishi just couldn't handle it. She would hiss angrily at Cessy every time she walked by or looked in her direction. We figured it was a "pecking order" thing and tried to help ease it, in addition to giving it time and extra supervision. While Mishi was constantly informing Cessy, "I HATE YOU", Cessy was quietly trying to drive Lois out. It started very quietly, but we noticed that Cessy was slowly taking over every spot in the house that Lois liked. Then she started stalking Lois around the house. Trapping her in corners and in the littler box (we have two boxes. Despite the second one being available, no cat really uses it. They actually wait in line for the same box. We have tried to encourage them to use the second box, but they don't want to. We have even tried other kinds of boxes, but no luck), stealing her favorite window perch, then her favorite chair. Lois in non-confrontational, so she would just run away. Eventually she stopped going upstairs at all and began spending her entire days in a single chair- leaving only to drink, eat and use the litter box.

Then she stopped eating entirely and that is unlike Lois. And having terrible diarrhea several times a day.   We took her to the vet and they said she was fine. Give it a week. A week turned into 2. We could get her to eat more, but she was still having diarrhea. Lois is such a creature of habit that, when we changed her food, she wouldn't eat it. A lot of experimentation finally found a food that she would try and the diarrhea stopped. The vet thinks that the stress from Cessy triggered an allergy to her usual food.

Lois is not free to move around the house at all. None of the cats gets along with Cessy. Mishi jumps to Lois's defense and has been involved in several violent altercations with Cessy on Lois's behalf (recently she tore Cessy's ear and I didn't realize it. We separated the cats and locked Cessy in a bathroom, only to come back and find every ear-level surface in the bathroom streaked with blood.) Lois just tries to run away and hide. She has begun living on top of the kitchen cabinets, but two nights ago Cessy discovered that she could get up there and we had to get up 5 separate times to try and get her down (Lois would start hissing loudly, Cessy would growl and scream, we'd come running with a spray bottle, aiming 3 feet over our heads-- if a brawl happens up there, I have no idea how anyone would get down. Cessy blocks the only means of egress). We have started having to lock Cessy up again when we leave the house and overnight. Klakky doesn't like her, but they haven't had any run-ins either. No one messes with the Klakk.

What makes this odd is that they can all eat together-- within inches, if necessary. Sometimes they can play in the same vicinity (they all love the laser pointer and will play within feet of one another, but not with each other). (In the pictures below, taken while I'm typing this, you can see all 4 cats. Lois is on top of the fridge. Mishi is standing in the kitchen. Cessy is lying on the floor, close to the kitchen entryway, Klakky is off to the side, on her back. Note that Cessy and Lois are facing each other and staring at each other. In the second picture, our toddler has joined them and Mishi has walked from the kitchen into the living room.) It will seem like things are getting better for a day or so, and then there will be an all out attack or Cessy will find a new way to corner Lois and it will get worse in a whole new way. We're teachers and have lots of plans for the summer, but we have no idea how we can possibly leave the house for a week at a time. We fear that, without monitoring (I work from home right now, so I can keep an eye on things), Lois will be bullied beyond what she can handle. While a good friend has pet-sat in the past, we're at the point where we don't think that twice a day visits will do it and we can't afford to pay someone to stay here while we're gone. We don't think that locking Cessy in one room for a week is right either, as it stresses the other cats out when she is locked up and they spend their time outside the door where she is locked. Lois doesn't seem able to defend herself, Mishi is overzealous in her defense of Lois and Klakky just can't be bothered to get involved.

6 months in and we have tried desperately to find a new home for Cessy, but, because we suspect she needs to be an "only cat" we can't find anyone who loves cats enough (and doesn't already have several) to take her. Cessy is a lovely cat with humans. Everyone who comes to visit gets ample love from her, but she is making life miserable for us and for her feline sisters. We worry that, by saving her life, we have ruined Lois's, and Lois is the cat that we have had the longest. We have consulted with "cat therapist" over the phone, advertised her story on social media and hit up everyone we can think of who would like a cat. We have tried positive reinforcement and timeouts. We have tried to up the amount of playtime, but Cessy will break up the game by attacking the other cats instead of the toy (Mishi, Lois and Klakky might be tag teaming a red dot, and Cessy will walk up to Lois and hit her, and then Mishi will attack Cessy and Lois will go hide on top of the fridge). We are starting to fear that returning her to the shelter is our only option. It would break our hearts- and we'd pick a no-kill shelter- but we're out of ideas. Help!!

Mexican Lasagna

Tonight's not a "Family Dinner" night... it's actually going to be a "Garfield eats dinner in the car between a friend's house and the gym nursery" night... but I'm super excited about MY dinner and figured I'd share. This has been a household go-to recipe for at least 10 years and it has NEVER failed us. It is super easy to put together many hours before you plan on eating it and cooks up in just abou15 minutes in the oven. It is very forgiving-- you can mix in anything you have on hand and, as long as you use some kind of ground meat, "mexican" seasonings, tortillas, cheese and beans, the sky is the limit. We've used taco sauce, a jar of salsa, a packet of taco seasoning or fajita seasoning.... I've used extra beans, extra veggies, no beans, no veggies... You could probably even use the same kinda recipe with a jar of tomato sauce, some large flat noodles and mozzarella cheese!

(stolen from Rachel Ray)

Mexican Lasagna

Ingredients
3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
2 pounds ground chicken breast, available in the packaged meats case
2 tablespoons chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1/2 red onion, chopped
1 (15-ounce) can black beans, drained
1 cup medium heat taco sauce or 1 (14-oz) can stewed or fire roasted tomatoes
1 cup frozen corn kernels
Salt
8 (8 inch) spinach flour tortillas, available on dairy aisle of market
2 1/2 cups shredded Cheddar or shredded pepper jack
2 scallions, finely chopped
Directions
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees F.

Preheat a large skillet over medium high heat. Add 2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil - twice around the pan. Add chicken and season with chili powder, cumin, and red onion. Brown the meat, 5 minutes. Add taco sauce or stewed or fire roasted tomatoes. Add black beans and corn. Heat the mixture through, 2 to 3 minutes then season with salt, to your taste.

Coat a shallow baking dish with remaining extra-virgin olive oil, about 1 tablespoon oil. Cut the tortillas in half or quarters to make them easy to layer with. Build lasagna in layers of meat and beans, then tortillas, then cheese. Repeat: meat, tortilla, cheese again. Bake lasagna 12 to 15 minutes until cheese is brown and bubbly. Top with the scallions and serve.

Read more at: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/mexican-lasagna-recipe/index.html?oc=linkback

Family Dinner

At some point in her early eating career, Froggy turned picky. We have no idea how it happened. She started solids at some point between 4 and 5 months (she was interested, capable and raring to have a go at it) and was not limited to bland foods (watermelon licks, split pea broth, spiced pears, etc). At one she was eating eggs with habanero cheese, pesto, soup broths and paneer tikka masala. And then, bit by bit, foods were phased out until she was down to a small list of acceptable nums (yogurt, dry cereal, oatmeal, pancakes, peanut butter and jelly, pita bread and taziki sauce, meatballs, and all manner of salty, sweet and "bad"-for-you snack foods). We would constantly introduce new foods, constantly give her tastes of whatever we were eating, constantly cajole, beg and bribe her to try something... just LICK it, for goodness sake! This limited food plan was killing us because we are crazy adventurous eaters- there's just about nothing I wouldn't be willing to taste once (hell, my uncle showed up at a family party with homemade Beaver Stew one day and I shrugged and took a bite). We enjoy trying new restaurants and new recipes- cooking is one of the primary hobbies in our house.

We know we are at least partially to blame. 2 nights a week Froggy eats dinner at her grandparents' house, so on Tuesday and Thursday her dinners have to be compact, easy to travel with, sure fire meals because if she doesn't eat her dinner her grandparents will happily let her fill up on whatever she asks for in exchange (Cheese puffs? Sure. Lollipops? Why not.) Fridays is pizza night- a food that she enjoys- and the other 4 days we contributed to the problem by feeding her around 6, putting her to bed around 7 and then settling in for a quiet, relaxed, child-free dinner around 8. But as Froggy approaches 3, we are realizing we have to take the bull by the horns (the toddler by the fork?) and deal with this head on. Thus, we have instituted Family Dinner.

Family Dinner is, currently, about as painful and formidable as it sounds. On Monday, Wednesday, Friday (which is easy), and at least one weekend day we now involve Froggy in the preparation of the meal, help her set the table, put all of the food out family style (which creates SO MANY more dishes to do later) and eat together. Or, at least, Julie and I eat together and watch Froggy devour half a loaf of bread or a nearly unhealthy number of carrot sticks (we try to have something on the table that is on her "yes" list but not overly exciting). Between bites we wheel and deal to get a few morsels of whatever we are eating into her mouth (we insist that she be polite and taste something new- if she spits it out, she has to taste something else. In the end, SOMETHING has to make it to the esophagus) in hopes that repeated exposure will convince her that we are not trying to poison her on a daily basis.

We've been at it for a little over a week.

Tonight we decided on Mark Bittman's Paella with Pasta. It is quick, easy and not outrageously adventurous in terms of a flavor profile. Even better- it provides and AWESOME opportunity for a toddler to help in the kitchen. One of the ingredients is spaghetti broken into 2 inch pieces

Froggy breaking 8 oz of pasta into teeny tiny pieces- kept her busy while I did everything else!

After breaking up the pasta and helping cut the red peppers with a pumpkin carving knife (that was pretty much ineffectual- I think I'm just gonna give her a pairing knife and keep bandaids handy), Froggy went off to play until Mommy got home for Family Dinner.

I kinda wish I was writing to report that our less-than-two-week effort at turning our toddler into a foodie was a blinding success and I'm now ready to pen my own authoritative tome on the topic. Froggy ate 1 3/4 slices of buttered whole wheat toast, 4 or 5 pieces of broken spaghetti, a few nibbles of a shrimp and a single green pea. At some point Julie realized that the glass fish in our candle could be used as a bribe, ABA style to get her to taste small bites ("Eat one piece of pasta and you can have all of the red fishes. Just one. Use your fork. OK, if it won't stay on the fork, use your fingers. Not a bite, a whole piece. Don't spit it into your hand. Put it back in your mouth. Chew. Chew. CHEW. Good... just swallow it and you can have the fish.") From the picture below you can see that she ate about 5 or 6 individual pieces of food- one for each color catagory. We are hoping to one day whittle it down to a fish for each bite. But hey--- she nibbled a shrimp?

Below is the recipe we used. It came out pretty tasty. I added about a tablespoon of hot sauce (to my own portion) and used A LOT more water than it called for when cooking.

Paella with noodles

Mark Bittman

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons olive oil
• 1 onion, chopped
• 1 tablespoon minced garlic
• 8 ounces any long, thin pasta, preferably whole wheat, broken into 2-inch or shorter lengths
• Salt and black pepper
• 1⁄2 teaspoon saffron threads, optional
• 1 teaspoon paprika
• 2 cups fresh or frozen peas
• 1 bell pepper, chopped
• 1⁄2 cup water or stock, plus more as needed
• 8 ounces scallops, squid, clams, mussels, or shrimp, or a combination
• 1⁄4 cup chopped fresh parsley, for garnish
• Lemon wedges

Preparation

1. Put the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. When it's hot, add the onion and garlic and cook, stirring, until they begin to soften, 3 to 5 minutes; remove from the pan with a slotted spoon. Add the noodles to the pan, sprinkle with salt and pepper, and cook, stirring constantly, until they brown (try not to let them blacken).

2. Return the onion and garlic to the pan and add the saffron, paprika, peas and bell pepper. Cook, stirring frequently, for 2 to 3 minutes more. Add the water and cook, stirring and adding more liquid if things start to stick, until the noodles are nearly tender and everything is just starting to dry out, about 15 minutes.

3. Stir in the seafood and cook, stirring occasionally and adding a little more water or stock if you like, until it is just cooked through (large shrimp and scallops will take about 5 minutes; small or chopped shrimp about 3 minutes; squid no more than 1 minute). Taste and adjust the seasoning. Stir in the parsley and serve with the lemon wedges.